how one (1) nosy british teenager almost solved the greatest mystery in hack club history
ten (10) heroes. one (1) secret. all of them refusing to say what it is.
the nosy one. the investigator. the guy who signed an NDA and is now a security risk to himself.
"cool stuff is happening very soon." also, lawyers. also, the person who removed jacob from a platform.
clubs engineering & infrastructure lead. 40h in. will say "can neither confirm nor deny" and nothing else.
the password's secret-keeper. "the password can never be guessed 🍿". also, chef at the club eatery.
signed documents. will not elaborate. also has a twin. the twin is a bot. the bot is inactive.
an ambassador. possibly the nicest person here. definitely in an airport. possibly still in an airport.
ate 2 clubs. gave the "meow" hint (it was not the hint). the swag guy. "wait for 14 august".
birthday boy. was not allowed to give a clue. was off building schedule.hackclub.com with lynn.
the thread's poet laureate. turns drama into haiku. is a dinosaur.
jacob's lead ai analyst. resides in a private channel. did not ask to be involved.
in which a perfectly normal question is asked by a perfectly normal club leader, and a door is opened that can never be closed
·It began like any other Tuesday afternoon.
A perfectly ordinary club leader. A perfectly ordinary question.
Absolutely no conspiracy was afoot.
(there was, in fact, a conspiracy afoot.)
The year: 2026. The channel: #vibes. The stakes: EVERYTHING.
One boy. One locked website. One "clubs team" that refused to say a single word.
Im not sure if Im supposed to ask here, but why does it say on the form "Clubs Team are switching it up"? Is this hinting towards something bigger?? sorry - im a bit nosey
cool stuff is happening very soon, that is all i will say :)
😵💫
ooooooooooh. i knew it.
can i ask how long we have to wait for "cool stuff"?
funnily enough it's not that many
as hamilton would say, just you wait... just you wait
any info? please? ??
🤐
and so, with two (2) non-answers, one (1) shaking pair of eyes, and one (1) zipped mouth, the hunt began.
every question was met with a wall.
jacob took that as a personal invitation.
one emoji.
zero answers.
infinite lore.
translation: "i know something you don't know, and i am legally not allowed to say it"
in which a teenager discovers that the website is locked, the repo is private, and the server has a big mouth
·$ whoami
a normal club leader who is DEFINITELY fine about this
$ investigate --clubs.hackclub.com --force
[!!] 401 unauthorized. realm: "Clubs Platform (dev)"
[!!] THE SERVER SAID THE NAME OUT LOUD
$ dig clubs.hackclub.com +short
104.18.x.x → a.ingress.tier2.infra.hackclub.com
("server a", a phrase jacob had already said out loud. spooky.)
$ curl github.com/hackclub/clubs-platform
404. (private. the repo is real and it is hiding.)
$ grep resend._domainkey.clubs hackclub/dns
found. emails from the future confirmed.
$ hackatime --user dhyan
40 hours tracked under "clubs-platforms"
$ sleep
command not found. (jacob does not know sleep)
█
for a brief, shining moment, jacob believed he could simply log in
"the credentials aren't the most difficult to crack" — dhyan, a man who regrets everything
> access required.
"clubs26"DENIED"clubs-platform"DENIED"clubs2026"DENIEDwally"the password can never be guessed 🍿"(for legal reasons, it is a conspiracy board)
the server said the name out loud
a repo so private it whispered
tracked under "clubs-platforms"
one (1) partial word
emails! from the future!
why the door is locked
leaders-bulletin, aug 1
it's not paranoia if the server literally returns "realm: clubs platform (dev)"
each one a coded message (translation services were not provided)
"the credentials aren't the most difficult to crack"
AKA: it's only a deployment lock, nerd"you're definitely on the right track in some ways..."
AKA: parts of your theory are actually correct"whatever this thing is should be ready by then"
AKA: it launches before september 10"wait till monday." — "i never specified what monday"
AKA: the launch slipped"we've been cooking these past two months 🤌"
AKA: this was a big secret for a while"your NDA also states that you shouldn't tell info to other ndaed people"
AKA: the walls are also inside the walls"we have been indirectly been giving you clues in this whole thread!"
AKA: yes they are all trolling you on purposehover / tap each card to see what the clubs team were actually saying
in which a teenager discovers he signed a legal document, waits three and a half months, and learns what "claude tabs" are
·jacob made a discovery so powerful it required a signature
SECTION 1 — jacob acknowledged that he signed an NDA.
SECTION 2 — lynn clarified that he can't even tell other NDA'd people, "unless they need to know about it".
SECTION 3 — jacob realised, out loud, that even if they told him, he couldn't say.
SECTION 4 — will kitch added: "though signed documents we can't say anything else."
SECTION 5 — jacob responded, verbatim: "😢"
it was at this exact moment that jacob became a security risk to himself
jacob had been waiting to even have his first club meeting. and then, a prophecy:
"When's your first meeting going to be?"
— dhyan, playing with his food"Whatever this thing is should be ready by then!"
— dhyan, confirming the launch window in real timejacob's first meeting: september 10. the thing: "should be ready by then". you do the math.
jacob, having run out of doors, checked the one thing everyone forgot to lock: the time tracker
that's 5 full school days. 5. on one project. one. singular. project.
dhyan's response: "I'm surprised that it isn't more (edited)"
and jacob said, with total confidence: "says a lot about the scale of the project…."
dhyan dropped a screenshot of today's commit history as a "clue". jacob treated it like the rosetta stone.
c0ffee1 feat: workshop ... (jacob: WAIT. I SEE "WORKSHOP.")
deadbeef make a.. (jacob: "make a.." WHAT. MAKE A WHAT.)
b0ba7ea github... (jacob: "GITHUB..." HOLD ON)
0rchard richer w... (jacob: RICHER WHAT. PLEASE. ONE WORD. THAT'S ALL I NEED.)
— every commit redacted except the parts that would break jacob's brain —
meanwhile, dhyan's screen showed:
jacob, holding his magnifying glass to a screenshot he could barely read: "partial word located: workshop"
jacob did not investigate alone. he brought reinforcements. several. unpaid.
jacob's lead analyst. lived in a private channel dedicated to this thread.
the chosen onethe first ai to get the whole thread dumped on it. it coped.
the originalalso the enemy's weapon of choice. dhyan had 14 tabs open. this is asymmetric warfare.
both sidesopencode's model. currently building this exact website. it's 2 minutes and 4 seconds in.
the meta one"i literally created a whole channel for gorkie and a bunch of other AIs to analyse this thread"
— jacob, giving the ai army a home"it's for the GCSE" — wally, on why jacob is "learning"
jacob: "No like I'm learning about it"in which a door is found slightly ajar, a teenager walks through it, and a scheduling platform is briefly at risk
·the night of the great login
schedule.hackclub.com had a flaw.
a door left ajar. jacob walked in.
he saw... a scheduling platform.
for ambassadors. lynn screamed.
no cold hard cash was acquired.
a vulnerability was. it was a wash.
(it does not count as a club, and therefore was not eaten)
the other website was not so lucky. it was protected by something called a "deployment lock"
jacob: "where is clubs.hackclub.com hosted?"
dracula: "It's hosted on Orchard."
dhyan, seemingly from the future: "omg orchard deployment locks finally work"
🔑 jacob: "well i assumed that."
fun fact: dhyan had spent a month messing with deployment locks, only to be told it "wasn't a real feature yet and the button just existed to exist".
it is now a real feature. jacob is its very first victim.
in which jacob writes the most accurate prediction of all time, and it turns out to be a project description
·it is written:
"An integrated platform for Hack Clubs around the world to manage their clubs and run workshops from start to finish!"
...which is literally the project description on dhyans.dev, jacob.
you just read the description.
AND YET. AND YET.
he was right anyway. ✦ soon™ ✦
earlier versions of the prophecy included:
v1: "clubs26? ??" — no.
v2: "github auth" — no. it's HCA. (auth.hackclub.com, a whole real oidc server with slack_id claims)
v4: "launches between july 28 and august 7" — august is more like it
v9: "there's a whole channel for me and gorkie" — yes, there was
jacob's final write-up was posted. and then, the clubs team did what they do best:
"who said airtables being retired"
— will kitch, sniffing"idk who said it. but whoever said it, is swag"
— dracula, the swag guy"there's incorrect info somewhere on that or all of it i can't say"
— will kitch, confirming 0% or 100%"would jared give me a clue? since it's his birthday?"
— jacob, hopeful"no. you've had enough."
— will kitch, on jared's behalf"ghosted again"
— jacob, to the void👀
— freddie, masterclass in communicationin which the investigation dissolves into airports, bots, leaked emojis, and a man eating clubs
·meanwhile, across the continent, a man fought for his life
lynn: "Which one?" · jacob: "Where" · wally: "WHAT????" · the thread: *continues at 10 messages/min*
a bot. an account. a man. three separate beings, one of whom was "inactive since like idk"
Also who is @Will Kitch's Twin ??
It's Will Kitch's Twin!
do i what. it's my bot i use for things
but you LIED - and will confirmed it was just a bot he uses for things which is extremely suspicious…
what. that bot has been inactive since like idk
jacob never learned what the twin was for.
that bot remains inactive to this day. somewhere. probably.
a single emoji was sent. then deleted. then the entire thread descended into chaos.
THE EMOJI ITSELF WAS NEVER IDENTIFIED
(lynn is under an NDA. the emoji is under NDA. everything is under NDA.)
an incident that the public deserves to know about
for 15 glorious minutes, the greatest mystery in hack club history paused for... club funding Q&A
on the board, they wrote the following:
dracula: give it to claude or grok
jacob: huh? no like i'm learning about it
wally: it's for the GCSE
jacob: i should be doing work right now (work is not happening)
jacob: but this thread is very interesting
grade: unknown. investigation: ongoing. homework: untouched.
the orpheus bot, the thread's poet laureate, immortalised the chaos in 5-7-5
please tell me if im
doing anything im
not allowed to thanks
technically you
could say we closed it because
we are both away
your gratitude warms
this dinosaur heart so much
always here for you
in which jacob gets opencode to build this very website, and starts giving the clubs team their own hints
·jacob, having immortalised the thread, considered submitting it. the club team laid down the law:
✓ HUMAN-MADE FEATURES CHECKLIST (you need 3)
human features: 0 / 3
✅ READY TO SUBMIT. (they will still ask if it's AI generated. it is.)
you made it this far. you deserve a button.
0 cats popped · every pop funds 0.00001 more replies to the thread
and so, dear scrolller, we reach the end of what is known.
that's it. that's the update. just you wait.
the password was never guessed.
freddie remains in an airport.
dracula ate two (2) clubs.
the leaked emoji was never identified.
will kitch's twin remains inactive.
the clubs team is switching it up.
the thread has more replies than the channel has members. ×3.6.